At the time of writing, I have been, more or less, trapped in a house that isn't mine (or even a house I would really prefer to be in) for nearly two days. Hopefully I can sleep until the town has actually plowed the roads and make some sort of escape.

I'll be out of clothes then, anyway. And food, I hear. Bad news, this snow. Get thee gone.

Despite having my laptop I haven't gotten anything that I've wanted to get done, done. Or even worked on.

It probably hasn't been that bad. It's just kind of like... confronting restlessness every second of the day. And knowing there are things you much rather be doing than being stuck wherever you are. And there a lot of things I would rather be doing than this. And people I would like to be spending time being with and being warm with.

I think we will soon, though. And then hopefully a lot of times after that.

I have been listening to a lot of weird things. I made it through the whole of Bright Eyes' Fevers & Mirrors, Digital Ash in a Digital Urn, and I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning while shoveling a driveway. I remember it being the exact same soundtrack to shoveling snow back in, like, January/February 2005. Maybe it is just the almost six years of general life that has happened in between, but those albums were a sort of heavy soundtrack to whatever I was upset/angsty/whatever about. The first of the three, especially. Or maybe that is the idea. I think I realized for the first time that that album's high/hopeful moments do basically nothing to fix the crushing stuff.

Not that it has to. Or that there has to be a balance. Just, Fevers & Mirrors it ends with some sort of positive feeling, I think, as if to say "there is hope here", except after the rest of it, it barely matters. Maybe that is why I always stopped the thing at "Sunrise, Sunset" and let it be a solid, sad thing. I think this line of thought is sort of dumb. Never mind, probably.

I also went through Animal Collective's Merriweather Post Pavilion for the first time in a while. It's such a summer recording, but it'll always probably be linked to winter memories. I really vividly remember it leaking in the afternoon on Christmas Day in 2008 and leaving out Christmas dinner early just to go home and listen to a pretty shitty vinyl rip of it. But it was still sort of magical. Held the title for biggest Christmas miracle until this year's Abraham Lincoln day calendar exchange, at least. It says a lot about both things.

But MPP. I still probably don't like it as much as some people do, and it isn't my favorite Animal Collective album, but it definitely is special to me. So warm and comfortable and sleepy (in a good way). I think I almost described it as sexy, which could be a weird way to describe music that obviously isn't, I don't know, 'doin' it music' (of which I do not have any (except The-Dream (but come on))).

It might be.

Or maybe it just a good time for it maybe. It was just really nice to listen to again. I'd like to nap to it somewhere warm soon (((((and i hope it is with you))))).

Records in 2010.

(cross-posted, but I just wanted this here)

TOP TEN ALBUMS of MMX:

10. The-Dream - Love King
09. Menomena - Mines
08. Los Campesinos! - Romance is Boring
07. Perfume Genius - Learning
06. Xiu Xiu - Dear God, I Hate Myself
05. Zola Jesus - Stridulum II
04. The National - High Violet
03. Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

01. Former Ghosts - New Love. / Best Coast - Crazy for You

Other good things listened to:

Caribou - Swim
Crystal Castles - Crystal Castles (II)
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
How to Dress Well - Love Remains
Josiah Wolf - Jet Lag
LCD Soundsystem - This is Happening
Laurie Anderson - Homeland
Lightspeed Champion - Life is Sweet! Nice to Meet You
Mark McGuire - Living with Yourself
Owen Pallett - Heartland
Salem - King Night
Sufjan Stevens - The Age of Adz
Surfer Blood - Astrocoast
Titus Andronicus - The Monitor
Twin Shadow - Forget
Wavves - King of the Beach
Wolf Parade - Expo 86

TOP FIVE EPS of MMX:

05. Parenthetical Girls - Privilege pt. I: On Death & Endearments
04. Felt Drawings - If You Only Knew
03. Los Campesinos - All's Well That Ends
02. Sufjan Stevens - All Delighted People EP
01. Parenthetical Girls - Privilege pt. II: The Past, Imperfect

///

And so by now you've probably noticed the two albums occupying one spot. And the number one spot, at that.

It's not even about the trouble in putting one over the other. It's about how difficult, maybe impossible, it is for me to imagine one without the other.

An album called "New Love." that might not actually be about new love at all, until the final track.

And an album called "Crazy for You" that might not actually be a document of feelings that are very crazy at all.

They come from very different places musically. Synths and programmed drums; sharp precision reverberating outwards forever. And guitars and fuzz & distortion pedals; what the ocean might sound like.

And somehow they, two albums that have nothing to do with one another, touch. The sound of an ending and of a beginning. Or what might be a beginning. Or should be. The sound of one album informing the other, forcing you to listen to it in a completely different way. To think about different things. Different times. People. What now? What next?

The answer isn't here, but people wondering the same thing are.

2010 has been kind of tough. And I think it would have been a lot tougher without all of the music I've mentioned here, but these two particularly have held incredibly large places in my heart for a while now. And will for a while to come.

Let's go.

Things V

I think everything is ok. Or will be ok. Or is ok as it can be right now, but is on a path to being truly ok for the first time.

I hope so.

But I think I have absorbed some really unattractive insecurities by proximity in the last few years. Maybe they were things I've always had and just were changed/made worse/better. A need to constantly apologize. The idea someone could just wake up and feel totally different about things. Feeling guilty for even worrying about that, because you are pretty sure they really, really meant what they were saying. And you yourself meant it all too.

I hope all of this doesn't show too badly, too often.

Because I really like this.

/

Christmas is in ten days. I have a lot of things to do.

†mas

†mas
by Natural Light
12.7.10
this is wf-05

MEGAUPLOAD

00:00-02:50 :: "Run Away with Me" - Jens Lekman
02:50-04:36 :: "Got Something for You" - Best Coast & Wavves
04:36-09:39 :: "Christmas Reindeer" - The Knife
09:39-14:14 :: "Cold White Christmas (Daytrotter version)" - Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
14:14-16:23 :: "When it's Time for Christmas" - Swastika Girls
16:23-21:03 :: "Do You See What I See" - Sufjan Stevens
21:03-22:40 :: "Silver Bells" - Dan Deacon
22:40-23:31 :: "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" - Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
23:31-26:27 :: "Christmas Party" - The Walkmen
26:27-29:40 :: "Christmas in Oakland (live)" - Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
29:40-32:50 :: "Christmas Isn't Christmas" - The Boy Least Likely To
32:50-37:45 :: "Thank God It's Not Christmas" - Parenthetical Girls
37:45-42:50 :: "Sister Winter" - Sufjan Stevens

Please pardon several repeat artists. I tried to minimize tedious. Certain songs just sort of deserve to be here, I think.

I hope Christmas is a nice thing for everyone. I hope this helps.

RIP CFTPA (December 5 1998-December 5 2010)

Casiotone for the Painfully Alone played their last ever show last night in San Diego. I guess it's not a big deal, really, since it's more the end of a name than the end of a person. Owen has already announced he's going to be continuing making music almost immediately under the name Advance Base.

Still, the old songs are done. I am excited for the new ones.

But it's still sort of sad for me. Casiotone for the Painfully Alone has probably been the most important musicians to me, personally, artistically, emotionally, personally, whatever. I think I knew twenty seconds into "When the Bridge Toll Was One Dollar" in 2007 that it was the most "me" music that I've ever heard.

His five totally incredible albums document a really neat artistic progression. Things change but each sort of still manages to hit all of the right notes, for me, all the time.

I am still sort of happy there's a picture of me on his site.

I don't hesitate to say he's probably one of the best storytellers living.

I am really glad I was able to see him back in April 2008, but sad I've missed every other show he's played in any major city around me since. Including, most recently, when I saw Blonde Redhead (and I don't regret it at all).

I am just a little sad I'll never get to see White Jetta live. That song has been really important and close to me.



CFTPA, I love you and I will miss you.

Advance Base, I will see you soon.

or that.

ok.

this, last one ever, promise:



last october. filmed by me. this might have been one of the most intense and affecting things i've ever been a part of.

the song isn't about this. or even anything close to this. but.

what i am thinking about right now:

someone wrote and performed this song in 2009. and i cried, sitting on a couch full of strangers while they wept in front of a crowd. and after the show i embraced them and had no reason to tell them it was going ok, but i did. i was probably really unsure of that.

now it is more than a year later. and they are alive in 2010. they are ok in 2010. they are even happy in 2010.

people make it out. this has felt insane and really, really lonely (which is probably why there's no one really to even talk to about it besides each other), but looking to music and to art and to whatever else fills up our days, it's not that lonely at all. there is so much by so many people. people feel like this all the time. they make it out. everyone does.

but,

i'm sorry i don't think anything has been written from the other side. and i'm sorry that i really don't know what ends up happening to those people. i really hope they end up ok too.

i have just been so, so stupid and i am sorry.

so this is it.

ok.

Caltrain blog.

i don't know.

i am on a train. i feel pretty sick. though, honestly, much less sick than i have any right to be feeling. considering. also, just, so you know, i feel like i should be clear that it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. it is dumb.

i just don't feel like i am learning anything for this. "this" meaning a lot of things. all of the not talking (which i wasn't even expecting), all of the unsent letters, the stupid fucking self-medication bullshit. all of the unsent letters, and poems, and songs, and just all of the noise i've made. nothing is helping it make any sense.

waiting for this train (sidenote: it must be new or something. so fresh and so clean) i was thinking about words. i thought of what BARR says in context ender. i say the same things over and over because i only think about the same things over and over in circles. i found what i thought to maybe be a good way to get to the heart of the matter (and nevermind that at the heart of the matter are hearts), but then i thought of something you said to me. and i sort of hesitated.

i don't think you meant it as an accusation, or a slight, but when you told me i say a lot of beautiful things i think you were suggesting i maybe I've said things for the sake of themselves.

so, am i stooping to pretty words? i don't think so. mainly because i believe 98% of what has come out of me this year has been negative or hopeless or ugly. 2010 has been really hard for a lot of reasons (deaths of people, death of love, new hope put on life support), and i guess the mantra that has proved itself to me this year more than any other is a step (or five) beyond our "life is hard." it's "life is gross."

and i don't like believing in that.

so, there's that---that i don't think i have written or composed a single beautiful thing in a really long time--- and there is also how i just don't i have ever said anything to you that i didn't completely mean.

this isn't a poem, it's a mess of words. maybe it is all sorts of wrong. but here it is:

I'd like to cut it out.
I'd like to cut out the silences
I'd like to cut out being in the same places and not being able to see you
I'd like to cut out the guilt (even i feel) when we do anyway.
I'd like to cut out not sleeping without finding some chemical to help me out.

and I'd like you to cut it out too.
cut out as much of the doubt and the fear as you can.
cut out making excuses about distances or about how it isn't worth it right now (there is only one way to know)
cut out informing any decision you make about /anyone/ with thoughts of the boy who broke your heart.
cut out the guilt when your heart doesn't beat like it should.

friends as friends, loves as loves, not the other way around. i don't know how that can be complicated at all.

i think if we could both cut it all out, we would be somewhere close to where we were when we first met. and we might find that we would fit together really well. again.

it is simple. i promise.

Actually about today.

Good Day Today by threeminutesthirtyseconds

I have a lot to do!

I am going to new york...city!

I may or may not be denied admittance to something taking place at a bar!

It might be a really expensive way to waste nearly fifty dollars!




I still don't know what I am doing.

About today.

an interpretation of ~1:30 a.m., 11.24.2010

so, almost about now, a week ago.

even aside from not having a hand covered in vaseline, it had a lot more things going for it than tonight does.

i haven't been sleeping very well.

A close approximation.

I think, anyway.

†mas plans.

I am starting work on something called "†mas". I think it will be nice Christmas collection full of music that is both undeniably about (the) Christmas (season) but also does not have too much to do with actual Christmas music. That sounds nice.

Maybe I will even play/sing a song(s)! I might have to break into a friend's house to use their piano though. Shhh.

Today is going to be ok.

update: waaaaay not ok really.

New Love.

when your body doesn't feel it
when you can't see it in your heart
when we both stay up all night just listening to someone else's breath
give me new love

when you are my first thought when i climb into bed
when i'm your first thought when you wake
when everything else just seems to fall short
light a candle for us

give me new love
give me all your love
give me all your love

give me new love

These are words written by my friend freddy, who makes really amazing music in a band called Former Ghosts, and which appears as a song called "New Love" on an album of the same name. You can listen to it here. I sort of don't like the idea of just posting someone else's words, but I don't know what else to do when you hear someone say something better than you're ever going to be able to. How it nearly serves an an answer or response to "Thieves" kind of freaks me out.

I've spent a lot of time in the past few months listening to music to keep me company rather than advise. Things that aren't comforting because they offer any kind of conclusion, but because they end up making you feel even just a little bit less alone about being so insane over something you can't explain.

Which is sort of weird, since that is a lot like what you have been. Not an answer or magic solution, but someone who has started to help me understand again.

I am not sure how much more convinced I can become of something. I hope I am doing the right things. I hope the idea of what feels right means something. I hope we define being "ok" the same way.

I hope there is a difference between romantic and pathetic.

I'm a mess again today. This is hard.

An old thing and a new thing.

FIRST PRAYER

right now your name
is the cruelest word
in this language

but still i'll say it
over and over
the only word of
the only prayed
i've ever said

a name as pins and as swords
that scrapes and cuts
that bears repeating
until it is heard
or until there's nothing to hear

ANOTHER PRAYER

can i please tell you about
the weight of days of 11:11 wishes?
& that i never wished for you?
only for you to follow your heart

can i please remind you about
the heart i wanted?
anatomically correct
but utterly ignored

FA Sequel

FA Sequel
by Natural Light
11.4.10
this is wf-04

MEGAUPLOAD

00:00-00:35 :: "Fall Again Field Recording" - Natural Light
00:35-01:54 :: "It Started with a Mixx" - Los Campesinos!
01:54-05:11 :: "Fake Empire" - The National
05:11-07:39 :: "Half of Two Times Two (Never Version)" - BARR
07:39-11:44 :: "Where You're Coming From" - Matt & Kim
11:44-14:20 :: "Catholic Pagans" - Surfer Blood
14:20-18:53 :: "(This is) The Dream of Evan and Chan" - Dntel
18:53-21:28 :: "Islands" - The xx
21:28-23:15 :: "New Homes" - Lucky Dragons
23:15-26:47 :: "Night" - Zola Jesus
26:47-30:37 :: "Black Purse (Amp Live Remix)" - WHY?
30:37-32:36 :: "I Say "No"" - Mount Eerie
32:36-35:31 :: "When I'm with You" - Best Coast
35:31-39:06 :: "Apologetic Shoulderblades" - Baths
39:06-43:10 :: "This Heart's on Fire" - Wolf Parade

Never given. Sorry. I hope someone hears it.

There is some sort of sequel...sequel I am doing now. It has a lot of fun songs on it. Just kidding they are all devastating.

Fall Again

Fall Again
by Natural Light
10.15.10
this is wf-03

MEGAUPLOAD

00:00-04:48 :: "Tone Kill Two" - Odd Nosdam
04:48-07:56 :: "Cherry Tulips (TJ Lipple of Aloha Remix)" - Headlights
07:56-12:00 :: "Pa Pa Power" - Dead Man's Bones
12:00-15:26 :: "I'm Waiting to Know You (edit)" - The Fiery Furnaces
15:26-18:15 :: "Pantone Cyan" - WHY?
18:15-20:12 :: "Flutes" - Serengeti
20:12-23:56 :: "Maple Leaves (7'' Version)" - Jens Lekman
23:56-26:52 :: "Lesley Gore on the TAMI Show (version)" - Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
26:52-29:59 :: "I Do What I Want, When I Want" - Xiu Xiu
29:59-34:08 :: "The Purple Bottle (Stevie Wonder Mix) (edit)" - Animal Collective
34:08-37:44 :: "What Do You Think Will Happen Next?" - Final Fantasy

I don't really want this around anymore.

CFWMYS, E. W.

This is probably the closest I can come to giving you this, now.



hb

Last stands.

Unless you die they do not exist. And sometimes not even then.

Ossified. Shields.

I feel so ridiculously tremendously insanely ly ly ly lost.

Maybe I get it. Or can see why. But. but but but.

I think "I feel really un-done" is a better description of things. Meaning unraveled and unfinished. I don't know if either of those are ok anymore. it is really hard to tell what is right and what isn't in this light. Maybe you are feeling it too. (Are you?)

I promised myself I wouldn't ever post something that nothing but me hitting the keyboard, but this is closest I've come to doing that.

yr hmbl & obt svt,

p

ps~ I don't think you read this, but if you do, you raised a really good question at 4 a.m. this morning. I've asked myself it with more frequency than i have ever asked anything else. Except it was a little bit different hearing it from you. I might never know.

pps~ I recorded grey light vocals. sounds like shit.

Have another one of these.

sorry2

i have things to say but i am in no state to say them at all right now.

so, good night!

Problems II/III

All of the sleeping i am both doing & not doing when I should clearly be doing the opposite.

And that: i am not sure if it has even come close to mattering.

(The Execution of All) Things IV

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

Things III

autumn's early dark
has light come into my life?
i'm thinking of you

/

i've only read about your wounds
but they sound a lot like mine
and i understand your apprehension
but new love works faster than time

& i'm game if you're game
i'm down if you're down
we can do this slow
just please let me know

& i'm game if you're game
i'm down if you're down
& i've got to know
or i've got to go

but i'll just say it on record
i think i like you
i think i like you a lot
i like you a lot.

/

these are long states to drive through
when you are not on the other side

& these are long days to sleep through
to just wake up without you again

waves of autumn's grey light
threaten to wash the color out of everything
autumn's early dark
it is all the same.

there's no difference.
there's no difference.

Things II

i made this

sorry

Things

I don't know what to do.

Option i: hold on

Options ii through iii: degrees between ^ and v

Option iv: curl up into ball, tighter and tighter, until i become smaller than anything else in the universe, and just fall through the space between the atoms of my bed.

///

I think I am going to make some diegetic sound/music(+)video recordings. I want to be able to look at the ocean and listen to "Do You Still Have to Go" all in the same youtube link. Maybe I will do this today and have it up later. Maybe it will help things make sense.

Problems

what do you do when the
only way to stay awayke
is to eat?

What trouble.

(for them)/(for you)

(for them)/(for you)
by Natural Light
10.6.10
wf-02

MEGAUPLOAD

1. (for them)

00:00-04:54 :: "Pursuit of Happiness (Nightmare)" - Kid Cudi (feat. MGMT and Ratatat)
04:54-08:06 :: "Scandal at the Parkade" - Owen Pallett
08:06-11:33 :: "Autoclave" - The Mountain Goats
11:33-17:10 :: "Runaway" - Kanye West (feat. Pusha T)
17:10-20:19 :: "Baby We'll be Fine (The National)" - covered by Mobius Band
20:19-20:30 :: "I Do What I Want When I Want (ringtone) - Xiu Xiu

2. (for you)

00:00-00:29 :: "Possible Love Interest (ringtone)" - Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
00:29-06:23 :: "Save Your Love for Me" - Suckers
06:23-11:16 :: "Red String" - Former Ghosts
11:16-14:45 :: "Green Gloves" - The National
14:45-17:20 :: "Half of Two Times Two (Newer Version)" - BARR
17:20-20:37 :: "Weaknesses" - Parenthetical Girls
20:37-24:28 :: "Simeon's Dilemma" - WHY?

X. (for anyone else)

A. "common yellowthroat (female)"
B. "i wished you fell"
C. "triptych"
D. "10-10-10"
E. "29th"
F. "http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gStSBJ1E5-A"

This probably took somewhere between 6-10 hours over the course of a week to get it just how I wanted it. Which probably seems really ridiculous, but it kind of takes a long time when you try to reevaluate something in the context of everything else. Which I probably did four or five times. The song that was the definitive inspiration for the whole thing didn't even end up included by the end.

There's some pictures included too.

Old Poems I

These are outdated things. Probably dead things. And just things that have been around for too long and that have never become anything beyond .txt files sitting in a folder. And I just don't really believe in them too much anymore.

I've included dates with the ones that have dates. The others can safely be considered "old".

WALKING WEATHER (04.14.09)

& it’s been two weeks since you disappeared
cut off most my hair
& started to grow a beard
feels stupid to be without you at this time of year
JS mentioned 'snow and blood' but never fear

& now it’s warm enough for the snow to halfway melt
but not much else

called you today
no plan but just to talk
no answer -> no message.
leave the phone at home
go out and walk

A TOW TRUCK TOWING A TOW TRUCK (10.02.09)

survived
didn't die
despite predictions
of ninty-nine five

& i can't tell
if you tried
you said it was an accident
i think you lied

but you can't do this anymore
you can't do this again
you can't do this again

A RIDDLE

"we had so much together
we really did.
you believe me, right?
and now
now it's all gone.
how do people deal with this anyway?"

"barely"

BORED & NOT MINE

i thought about writing you a letter
and i thought about dropping you a line
repeating: "keep breathing and this will all get better!!"
and all of it because i'm bored and you're not mine.

DUET

this poem was supposed to be a duet.
but then again,
what isn't?

(3)

This better not kill.
Something always beats nothing.
I’d miss you so much.

Fall Mix 2010

Fall 2010 Mix
by Natural Light
09.09.10
this is wf-01

MEGAUPLOAD

00:00-08:22 :: "O Superman" - Laurie Anderson
08:22-12:07 :: "Don't You Want to Be in a Cult?" - Black Moth Super Rainbow
12:07-18:00 :: "apt.A (2)" - cLOUDDEAD
18:00-22:47 :: "Monkey vs. Shark" - Thee More Shallows
22:47-26:57 :: "Thinking of You" - Laurie Anderson
26:57-29:41 :: "Lazarus Phenomenon" - Bike for Three!
29:41-31:21 :: "America Too" - Hymie's Basement
31:21-34:42 :: "My Patriotism (WHY? remix)" - Serengeti & Polyphonic
34:42-39:32 :: "(All's Well That Ends) In Medias Res" - Los Campesinos!
39:32-44:25 :: "Tithe" - Menomena
44:25-45:48 :: "O Superman (Oddnosdam Remix)" - Subtle

This is the first in a bunch of mixtapes I've made in Q4 2010. Each has had a pretty different purpose behind them. I've been mostly happy with how they have turned out so far.

This one, plainly titled (but maybe that was part of the point) just "Fall 2010 Mix" is a lot of things I was listening to during the autumn of 2008. It's very sleepy, pretty unhappy, and doesn't really end anywhere hopeful. Sorry. It's probably good if you have to take a long train somewhere at night.

And just a general thing about these mixes: I have mixed them down into one big mp3 file, partly out of respect for all the artists whose music I am putting here for free and without permission, and partly because I think how these things have been sequenced is pretty important to the overall listening experience (and most true to actually doing this on a cassette). It's probably stupid because if you even care enough to download the thing, you should be able to listen to it however you want. But I think it's how I am going to leave it for now.

Here is this.

natural light of north america

i kind of would like to do this again. and hopefully have it be less crushing to look back at as the livejournal is.

rip littlespoonpete.

happy birthday natural light.

in the very least it will give me one more place to throw all the mixtapes and other art things i am trying to do more of. or just have been doing more of for one reason or another.

or i will just freak out and delete everything again.

(something)