Caltrain blog.

i don't know.

i am on a train. i feel pretty sick. though, honestly, much less sick than i have any right to be feeling. considering. also, just, so you know, i feel like i should be clear that it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. it is dumb.

i just don't feel like i am learning anything for this. "this" meaning a lot of things. all of the not talking (which i wasn't even expecting), all of the unsent letters, the stupid fucking self-medication bullshit. all of the unsent letters, and poems, and songs, and just all of the noise i've made. nothing is helping it make any sense.

waiting for this train (sidenote: it must be new or something. so fresh and so clean) i was thinking about words. i thought of what BARR says in context ender. i say the same things over and over because i only think about the same things over and over in circles. i found what i thought to maybe be a good way to get to the heart of the matter (and nevermind that at the heart of the matter are hearts), but then i thought of something you said to me. and i sort of hesitated.

i don't think you meant it as an accusation, or a slight, but when you told me i say a lot of beautiful things i think you were suggesting i maybe I've said things for the sake of themselves.

so, am i stooping to pretty words? i don't think so. mainly because i believe 98% of what has come out of me this year has been negative or hopeless or ugly. 2010 has been really hard for a lot of reasons (deaths of people, death of love, new hope put on life support), and i guess the mantra that has proved itself to me this year more than any other is a step (or five) beyond our "life is hard." it's "life is gross."

and i don't like believing in that.

so, there's that---that i don't think i have written or composed a single beautiful thing in a really long time--- and there is also how i just don't i have ever said anything to you that i didn't completely mean.

this isn't a poem, it's a mess of words. maybe it is all sorts of wrong. but here it is:

I'd like to cut it out.
I'd like to cut out the silences
I'd like to cut out being in the same places and not being able to see you
I'd like to cut out the guilt (even i feel) when we do anyway.
I'd like to cut out not sleeping without finding some chemical to help me out.

and I'd like you to cut it out too.
cut out as much of the doubt and the fear as you can.
cut out making excuses about distances or about how it isn't worth it right now (there is only one way to know)
cut out informing any decision you make about /anyone/ with thoughts of the boy who broke your heart.
cut out the guilt when your heart doesn't beat like it should.

friends as friends, loves as loves, not the other way around. i don't know how that can be complicated at all.

i think if we could both cut it all out, we would be somewhere close to where we were when we first met. and we might find that we would fit together really well. again.

it is simple. i promise.